Reservations (Declarations of Love)

I am a pretty reserved person, generally. I’ve only in the last few years become comfortable with hugging friends in public. And it takes a lot for me to squee with excitement (though this happens more around some people than others–::cough:: Me ::cough::). Etc., etc. I do tend to feel like strong emotions are not something to be brought into a public space, and I think, most of the time, that that’s a good way to handle things–the best way for me, usually. (Exceptions: small children, pets)

But today I think I’ll pretend I’m a squee-er. Maybe I’ll pretend it’s an early Thanksgiving: people I’m grateful for. People I love.

In other words, if you’re not in the mood for mushy, stop reading.

I love my mom: the way she talks to me, the brightness she casts around her. I love the voice she is in my head, telling me to do the right thing, or to get down to work ;).

I love my brother: his generosity, his awesome and terrible humor, his big, big smile, his moral compass, his explorations (violin, anyone?!).

I love my sister: her enthusiasm, her thoughtfulness and consideration about details, her incredible work ethic and ridiculous ability to put her nose to the grindstone.

I love my dad: his understanding, his weird tendency to bring up determinism any time he wants to emphasize how someone isn’t making a choice, his strength under pressure.

I love my Bubbie: her gentleness, her cooking (Spatulas above, how I love her cooking), her devotion to her dogs, her blasting through physical therapy and amazing everyone.

I love my grandfather: his utter happiness whenever he sees us, the way he has experimented with vegetarian cooking when I’ve visited sometimes, his confusion about text messges.

I love my grandmother: her acuteness, her surprised laugh, the way she thinks things through, her toughness.

I love my aunts and uncles and cousins, each one: repartee with Bill, bubblier humor with Dan, Trish’s optimism, Hannah’s boldness, Deliah’s giggles, Ellen’s sweetness, Tara’s love of fun and her strength, Nicole’s grace and beauty, Victoria’s zest for life, crazy Madison and her attention to suprising details, Frank’s wisdom and humor (and his awesome chicken coop), Maura’s balance and joy, Nate’s shy thoughtfulness, Jaine’s artistic vision and the way she keeps surprising me with her maturity, Audrey’s glee at pretending to murder me with power tools…and then how Grace always starts on her side and then, after a certain amount of destruction, switches to my side. (Okay: I need to get to know Adam and Stephanie better.) And Daniel, who may struggle but is the most incredible pianist ever.

I love my extended (blended?) family: ping pong with Curtis (it’s been a while!), chats with Caryn, Sara and her awesome and incomprehensible (to me) celebrity interests (and is it just me, or does she have an at-first tough persona which is a complete and total front for an incredibly sweet and sensitive-to-others’-feelings person?), and Brett (whom I know less well, but I am generally impressed with his persistence in academics and his apparent maturity, esp. for someone male, let alone his age!).

I love my friends, even the ones I haven’t seen forever: Hannah and the parts of me that no one else brings out, a couple people I am hesitant to name because oh my spatula do I ever owe them letters two years ago (ack, okay, make that a few people), my awesome Clarion class, of course (ack, I’ll be here all day if I begin listing their magnificences! Okay, I don’t think I can resist…wait, no, this has gone on long enough).

(Okay, this has gone on long enough really, really but I can’t leave out Connie and Pooka! The pupkin and the poochles, as it were.)

Anyway: I love and feel connected to a lot of people. Okay, I didn’t have time to hit the tip of the iceberg of my friends. But they are my family too. And just for today, I’ll let some boundaries down in public: I love you all, so much.*

*Because I can’t resist being snarky: I just realized this is totally the kind of thing you write if you expect to die soon. Here’s hoping I don’t get hit by a bus tomorrow.

Promises, Promises

I know, I broke ‘em. But here are songs, now. Happy Equinox! Um. I’m so irritated at the way they turned out that I feel that I have to put in quantity to make up for quality…Keep in mind that there are complications to this whole “figuring out multi-track” thing. For example, do you have any idea how boring it is to just strum chords, without singing? Hence the really terrible chording on Hammer and Nail. I just…can’t be bothered to do it more than once, and I can’t keep my attention on the same chords like that through the whole song. Actually, both of these were one take guitar, one take singing…and not because I was terribly happy with the first takes, either. Ha ha.

Hammer And Nail Hammer And Nail (Badongo)

Love Song Love Song (Badongo)

Is There Anybody Out There? (Instrumental) ITAOT(Badongo) –Much harder than it seems to play cleanly when the recorder’s on. I only put this here to satisfy myself that I had uploaded something that didn’t make my guitar playing sound totally idiotic…though it’s my warm-up exercisish song that I play at the beginning of every session to get my fingers moving, not anything that actually takes effort to play…argh.

Anyway. Enjoy! (You have to enjoy them more than I did…)

P.S. When I say things like, “I’m uploading this, but I can’t stand it and it sounds so bad and the only reason I’m putting it up is because recording this horrible, horrible thing took so much effort that I can’t bear to not put it up,” ignore me. I am fully aware that that helps no one. I am trying not to say things like that. Be glad that 90% of the words in these music posts aren’t “I hate the way this sounds!”–that’s my natural tendency. So what I’m saying is, ignore it when I say those things. Do not, however well-meaning, say things like, “No, they’re not so horrible!” Because I will not be able to prevent myself from responding with “YES THEY ARE!” And I am trying to break this habit. If you respond, you’ll give it validity and I’ll just bolster it more. Whereas if we all try to ignore it I can go on with my attempts to not preface everything with “I can’t STAND this, but here, have it…”

Top Three

Top happenings in my life this year, most important first:

1. Chalice, by Robin McKinley, was published.

2. Anathem, by Neal Stephenson, was published. (Sorry, Mr. Stephenson! If it had come out the same year as Dragonhaven, you’d have been #1 to Ms. McKinley, but I knew I loved Chalice the second I saw its first indications on her blog.)

3. I moved across the country.

(There are several things vying for 4th place…but there’s still time left in the year for any of them to grow and develop, or be supplanted by a surprise event. We are pretending we don’t notice that nothing I wrote appears on this list. We are pretending very very hard.)

Oh. Laugh at my list, will you? Think it’s funny? Imagine if your book habit was this bad. In fact, there’s a book coming out later in the year that might squeeze out number 3. Um. No, I’m not kidding. Most days (even at the beginning of the year, when I knew items one, two,* and three would be happening), this is what my sincere list would look like. I’m not denying that there are those days when the items get shuffled around, or obscured by culinary influences, or music…but, most days, yes. This is it.**

Chalice was in my hands yesterday at 11:40 AM. I would rave on about it, but what’s the point? Either you know…or not. (It would have been 2 more hours if not for Leslie and her connections. Calling up Duane at the University Book Store…whew!)

P.S.: I have nothing to do with what my blog looks like. I am picking themes from a pre-generated list. I know you knew this, but here’s what you didn’t know: I am dying to use FrontPage to design my own blog (as I abortively did in the distant, distant past), but I cannot do such things on lovely, free websites like WordPress, and I refuse to spend money on something so silly. (Besides, I have enough to do.) I could even maybe muddle my way through the CSS if I paid extra for that on WordPress, actually. But I refuse. So there. I can at least eventually put my own chosen picture at the top of this theme, if I ever get around to choosing one.

I know, I know: I told several people that I’d be putting up about a song per week. I apparently lied (unless you count those two as two weeks’ worth). But more are coming soon. It’s a) hard to record anything I’m satisfied with unless I sit and warm my fingers and voice up and practice for a good hour or so first, and then it often takes another hour to get the recording stuff running smoothly (arrange a tent, so on), and it’s hard to find that kind of time when I have been frantically job-searching, treading water with all the new stuff going on here, etc., and b) not only can good recordings be spoiled by siren-wailing-emergency vehicles going by outside, but it’s hard to find that quantity of unbroken quiet space and time in a house with three people and a dog in it (I can’t record if anyone else is home, and the dog walking in the room or out of it, jingly, ruins everything), not to mention all of the other zillion zillion things that go wrong. But, after all that: expect more music this weekend. At least one song. And don’t glare so, I’m terribly sensitive.

*Yes, I feel this comma belongs. In a list like that, if you tend to include that comma before the “and,” you can make a stylistic choice to leave it out under the right circumstances, strengthening the rhythm of your sentence. If you always leave out that comma, journalistic style, you’re stuck always leaving it out.

**I don’t know why you’re bothering to read this asterisked note. But since you are, I have one more comment to make about lists of important things to happen in a year. I will re-read those two books throughout my lifetime when I need the right kind of comfort, or stimulation, or inspiration; they will truly stick with me forever. Simply moving across the country…? Sure, it’s important this year, but over my lifetime it will become one of many moves, and those memories got mapped onto the places I visited and the people I saw, single events in my relationships with those people and places, not a linear story of my move. My relationships with those books, though: those began just this year, and those will be linear stories that my memories organize.

I guess what I’m saying is, you obviously can’t make a list like the one I just made. It’s all approximations. The criteria are totally eccentric, and mutable, and the events themselves could be defined in a million million ways to make them more or less important. It’s also a positive list I made. If you judge by mental waves made in my emotions and perceptions…I think my Bubbie’s injury, and the way it affected how I look at every single thing since then…aw, Spatula take it. I think the point of all this suddenly came clear: I’m taking this waaaaaaaaaaay too seriously. (And even so…look what’s at the top of my list.)

-Oh, “Palace.”

-No. Chalice. As in, a cup.

-Oh. Hmmmmmmmm. Well. And that’s McKinney? Spelled M-C-K-I-N-N-

-NO-! Erm, I mean, no. M-C-K-I-N-L-E-Y.

-Oooh. Hmmmm. (pause. pause pause pause.) You know, it looks like we’re not getting any copies. That’s funny, all of our other stores…

-KTHNXBYE.

Take a wild, crazy, stab-in-the-dark guess as to what is not in my hands.

No one has it yet.

“Oh, it’s probably in the boxes in the back, they haven’t been unpacked yet…”

“Well, we said we’d call you when it came in, it might come in the order later today…”

Holy hell, where is it?

::cries::

One store, when I called, the lady said, “Oh my god, I, know!!! There are a thousand boxes back there and they’re unpacking so slowly. I ordered 20 copies, I’m gonna hand sell them like crazy. I’m putting your name and number in my lanyard and you’ll be the second one to know when they come out of boxes, I promise.” But that was the exception. The rest of them had to be told what book I was calling about, even though they ought to know perfectly well what ANY person is thinking today!

::cries again::

Eleventy-one Hours

Until CHALICE.

If I lived in the U.K., I would be getting it EIGHT HOURS SOONER. (Reasons to leave the country? Book release dates, check.) And if I lived on the east coast still, three hours sooner! Maybe even sooner because there are Books A Millions left and they always put out books before they’re out and Chalice. How will I live until I have it?! And OMG what if bookstores don’t put it out until the next Tuesday?!?!?!?!?!

Imperfect; two for one.

Note: all previous conditions apply. Also, while listening, imagine that I’m bent over uncomfortably, trying to get the best angle on the mic, which is balanced on a stack of pillows. And, um. With a blanket over everything (like a tent) to muffle the reverberations.

Yeah. It’s lucky these turned out to resemble music at all.

Song choices by Leslie; it’s only fair, since she did give me the stuff to record with in the first place. No, I still haven’t figured out the editing software enough to even cut off the beginning or the end.

Btb: both are in the sneaky odt thing. Look at the last entry for what to do, if you can’t remember.

Here is Gone (Usually I play/sing this faster. Ah, well.)

Wonderwall (Umm…hmmm. A less-than-virtuoso display of my strumming skills.)

Next time I will have to put up some straight instrumental fingerstyle stuff so that I don’t sound like such a fumbler on the fingerboard. Oh, and Me: I haven’t forgotten Rainbow Connection–it’s sure on my list!

Edit: And, as the file extension switcheties are apparently not Mac-friendly, here are some Badongo links:

Here is Gone

;

Wonderwall

Reality; Spirituality; Anger; Idealism

Sure, I’m an idealist. I may fall short of the high morals I’d like to cleave to, but I have the morals and I mean to follow them. And I dream a lot. And am impractical. And write fantasy.

But then there’s the other kind of idealism. The “there’s no reality, it’s all in your head” philosophy. It’s a bit silly, but it’s also a bit cool. I’m not particularly a proponent…But.

You can’t control phenomena. As regards “reality,” what filters in, filters in. But* what you do with the phenomena–how you receive them, how you prepare yourself react to them on the broad scale, the weight you give to your reactions, whether and how you choose to act on them–that is a reality you create. Sure, it’s not under your control, per se…but you are the power. Small movements of your will have drastic effects (predictable or not). You can experiment; you can try to figure out the effects; you can work towards an ideal and believe that nearing it is within your power.** Practicing a positive outlook, or choosing to believe that humans are inherently good, for example.

So, what has me thinking about this kinda stuff? Well, someone I don’t know well, but whom I have a very high opinion of, was discussing spirituality this morning…and then went straight into frustrations about politics. He clearly had some anger about the state of the world, but overall he seems like a wise and balanced person. Truly, anger/bitterness only hurts the angry or bitter person. I believe it’s best to just let it wash by.

Of course, I’m not espousing inaction about things that give you that snap angry reaction, before you let the anger pass. Uhm…at least I hope not, ’cause I just got hired at Greenpeace.***

*Dad, I’m not baiting you…please leave discussions of determinism aside.

**Of course, your perspective is skewed exactly where you have the most power. A discussion and workaround for another day.

***Not necessarily a lasting job; they have a trial period, and I’m glad, because as much as I don’t think I’ll mind accosting people and trying to get money out of them for a good cause…I may.

This one goes out to Audrey and Grace

Okay, disclaimers:

• I did not write this song. I am not trying to make money off of it (duh).
• I haven’t figured out the multi-track recording yet; this was playing and singing at the same time, always dicey. (For example, I might have been able to use a metronome to play the guitar part, then added a vocal track while actually paying attention to, say, whether I was running out of air…oh, and don’t you dare play this and compare it to any kind of timekeeping device.)
• I haven’t figured out any software yet; this is a completely raw recording. As in, I couldn’t even figure out how to cut off the extra time at the beginning and the thumping at the end when I turned it off.
• This is not my favorite song. This is Audrey and Grace’s favorite song (for me to play and sing). Well…it’s maybe vying for first against “Vincent,” “The Rainbow Connection” and “Leaving on a Jet Plane.” I think it’s in first, though.
• I reserve the right to add disclaimers, take down this song, call around and demand that everyone remove the song from their hard drive and erase all memories of it residing in their heads, etc. And any other rights I might want claim I reserved, later.

I couldn’t figure out how to upload it directly to WordPress (I think they wanted money) except through sneaky file extension-changing…so, this “odt” file is really (gaspity gaspity) a  disguised wav file. For the software-challenged (Mom), you right click, save the file, then right click on the file, click “Rename,” and replace the “odt” with “wav”: Even Angels Fall

Or, if that didn’t work, I uploaded it to Badongo, in full wav glory. This link likely won’t last long, so, er, get it while it’s there, if you want. I don’t suggest you use the in-browser media player, though, it’s better to download it: Even Angels Fall

I know: couldn’t I make it smaller? Well…I didn’t feel like going to the effort, to be frank. You are welcome to convert it to mp3 yourself. Didn’t I mention that I didn’t have the energy and patience to couldn’t figure out any software?

Oh, and if they kick me off for trying to sneak in an audio file…well, goodbye, blog.

And: Leslie is my enabler. Yep, that’s right. The finger is pointed. Seriously, though, I’d never have access to this kind of stuff without her. She is awesome. I mean an awful enabling influence. Well…all right, I mean wicked awesome.